What I Wish I said

The Word I Wish I Said

Have you ever fall in love? Have you ever felt the euphonious feeling of falling in love? Have you ever been so helpless because you can’t love whom you love? “Love is blind” Adage once says but is that really true? Probably it is, for what I’ve seen from my crush.

If wishes were horse, if fairy tales were true , if we could dream and command them come true, I would have wished and command Antonio my crush and my one sided lover to come back to the land of living. Antonio’s my hero, back born, friend, brother and lover but what was I to him, a torn to the flesh, a heart breaker, a naughty haughty girl.

I’ve never given him the chance to love me or tell me his feelings not until his death when

I was given a love letter where he scribbled down his feelings in ink. Before you read his sad but heat touching letter let me tell you the whole tale.
My name is Allysa the only child of my parent. I had everything I need and everything a young girl or lady of my age would ever wish for, beauty, wealth, fame and everything you can think of but there is one unpleasant thing about me, I was stubborn, naughty and troublesome and that left me with no friend but Antonio the young handsome guy who was besotted with me.

How did I meet Antonio? How did he end up dying for a love he never received? And why did he ever care?
Everything started on a fateful Monday morning, during our chem 101 lecture. I had come late for the lecture and the door was closed but I didn’t care as usual, I pushed the door hard to have my way in, the door swung open hitting the wall noisily. Mr. Ike, our Chemistry lecturer a strict and mean man, turned to see who the intruder was.

You little brat, didn’t you see the door was closed? He ask with a fierce look but I didn’t care
“I did

” I replied reluctantly
“So you had the guts to open the door I closed”
“Because I need to learn, Sir I paid to lean” I replied rudely.
You still have the gust to speak, will you get out of this place, you mannerless idiot” He raved and the student laughed hard but who cares. I don’t really care I don’t mind or care if they laughed or mocked. I left the hall banging the door so hard.

stupid girl

” I heard the lecturer said.
“Stupid man” I said beneath my breadth.
Sitting down alone at the school garden after the incident. I imagine the whole thing all over again. Although I wasn’t really bothered but I wanted the lecturer hurted so he could feel what I feel too.
“Useless Man, what makes him feel he’s the best lecturer” I said more to my self “Oh, if only I could get my hands on him I will punch him so hard, for sending me out of the class” I sputtered
“Allysa”
“what” I got startled and turned to see one of the most handsome guys in the campus staring at me but his beauty wasn’t enough to calm me down.

“What is it and what are you doing here? What do you want? I asked rudely.

“Calm down am just a friend


“Friend” I laughed mockingly.
“Yes” friend he said kindly
“please if you don’t have anything important to say, just get out”
“Alright, I didn’t mean to get you upset but

“I said get lost!” I cut him short. Embarrassed and ashamed of himself he left.
“non sense” I whispered and left as well.
I got home early that same day not willing to talk to any one.
“Sweet heart, can’t you greet” my mum called out when she noticed my mood.
“Have you ever seen her greeting anyone before?” my dad asked.
“She does some times”
“Am glad you said sometimes, you need to teach your daughter some moral” my dad sputtered.
“Did you just say my daughter?”
“ I wasn’t speaking Spanish when I said that”
“Oh! She’s my child now not yours right?”
My mum asked, she was gradually losing her temper, soon they began to argue but that didn’t get me bothered. I got to my room, undressed, had my bath and just as I was about to rest, my mum walked in to my room.
“Sweetheart, a young man came looking for you while you were out” my mum said.
“Me? I asked looking at her to be sure she doesn’t think she still speaking to my dad”
“Who’s he? What did he say his name is?
“I don’t know, but he’s here again” my mum replied.
“Alright, I will like to see this strange visitor of mine” I said heading towards the door in the siting room and when I opened the door, who did I see?
“It was Antonio” “What was he doing here?
I wondered.

“Hello” he said politely
“What do you think you’re doing here?” I asked rudely
“I came to see you” he said
“To see me? Well I don’t want to see you, just get out” I tried to close the door
“Alright, wait please, can I just have some words with you?
“No way!” I screamed and banged the door I turned to see my parents staring at me.
“Is it that this girl thinks she will remain single in my house?” my dad asked.
“I don’t know ask her, she’s also your daughter” my mum replied.

I walked to my room though I was shocked to see them staring at me.
The next day I went to school as early as I could and lucky me I was able to meet up before the lecturer walked in.
After some tiresome and stressful lecture we had a free period. I seized the opportunity to get some snacks at the canteen. On my way to get what I could eat, I met Antonio walking towards me.
He called my name but I snubbed and kept walking
“Look, can you just wait and listen to me please, just give me a minute of your time” he pleaded but I only walked fast and fast.
This continued for some weeks until a fateful day when Antonio did the unimaginable and the unthinkable thing.
It was a Saturday evening, I left home for school to get a note from a course mate who was leaving in the campus. On my way home, I had no transport fare with me so I had to trek home. I took a narrow but short way to my home, I was walking fast so I could get home before it gets dark. It was hammatern season, so I could feel the chilling breeze swaying round me while I walked fast, I wished I wore my cardigan or scarf before coming out, I was really freezing.

I stopped suddenly when I felt someone was behind me I turned to see if my instincts were right, when I did turned I saw Antonio right beside me.
“you look cold, need a cardigan?” he said.
“No, thanks” I replied and turned to leave.
“wait” he held my arm
“What do you think you’re doing” I asked trying to free myself but his grip was too tight.
“Why do you keep running away from me?” he asked but I hissed and pushed him away but as swiftly as the wind he stood in front of me drew me closer, held my face to his then did the most unthinkable thing, I kicked and pushed and hit him hard but he never let go until he had what he wanted.
“Am sorry” he said but I couldn’t help it” he said
“ you dog!” I shrieked hard wiping my lips with my palm.
“I hate you, you disgusting thing, I hate you” I ran away.
I ran home, I ran to my room.

“Is there anytime this girl will ever come home with a smiling face” I heard my dad say.
Right in my room I lay on my soft cozy bed. I was feeling hot even with the freezing weather, I felt my lips were more hot, a glance at the mirror I saw they were red instead of pink. The tips of my finger were cold but the whole of me was hot. I lay on my bed in anger and hatred, I thought of revenging.
“He will pay for this” I whispered more to myself touching my lips.

The next day I went to school with the intention not to learn but to deal with Sammy. I have planned how to hurt him, stealing his text script was the best, I thought that way he would loss some marks.
When I got to school, I saw some students murmuring in the hall, there was so much murmurs here and there and they were all having a long face. I met a young boy and asked
“What’s it, no lectures?”
“No, a Student died yesterday, last night” he replied.
“A student? Who?” I asked.
“ Antonio” the young boy cried.
“Excuse, do you mean Antonio Lim?” I asked looking perplexed.
“Yes, he got hit by a cab but died before getting to the hospital”
“Oh! My” I gasped in disbelieve.
“But I …….” I stammered.
“But what?” the boy asked
“Oh! Never mind” I replied not wanting to let him know the experience I had from him.
“ Allysa, Allysa” I turned to see who was calling my name, it was my course mate.
“Take, Eric gave me this to give to you, he said he picked it from Antonio’s purse ” Eric was Antonio’s best friend, I wonder why he wants me to have this piece of paper. I took the paper from Lan which was neatly wrapped into a small sheet of paper. I straighten it and what did I see? I saw a letter referring to me. It says,
To my dear Allysa I writes this

When the cold and fearsome wind of hammatern wouldn’t stop blowing, when the nights birds were out cooing and chirping and when the stars stood far in the clouds glittering and shinning. I met a fierce, stubborn and the most daring girl but she is the most beautiful and fairest of all that I’ve ever seen.

That fateful night I could remember being so cold and weak, I thought I would get flu soon enough, I walked round the school garden allowing the chilling wind sway all around me, tired of staring and watching I stood up to leave and just then from a distance I saw the most beautiful being in the world.
Dressed in a white silk gown with a silver strips round her waist and a text book which she held tightly to her chest, she walked gallantly into the garden. She looked for a clean sport and there close to the rose flower she sat calmly.

I could perceive the sweet scent from her, I wonder.
“where could this angelic being come from and who is she?” I asked gradually drawing close to her, the closer I get to her the more enchanted I become, her soft white skin, her blue shinny eyes and her pink lips were already setting my soul on fire, I looked closely to know who the enchanting being was, who did I see? It was you Allysa.
“Hello” I said but what was your reply?
“How may I help you” you said. As mean and unfriendly your voice was I still found it as the sweetest of all.
“ Can I have some words with you?” I asked but what did you say. You smiled and laughed then I thought I was drowning in love with you.
“Some words with me?” you said mockingly and I said “Yes” wishing you could give me that chance but you stood up and left.

A few more talks with you tells me behind this beauty is a fierce and most stubborn being I’ve ever seen but I don’t really care all I wanted was you.
Please Allysa, give me the chance to love you and show you how much I care. I want us to be friends, best of friends, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You can be the future mother of my kids if you wish but please just give me the chance to love you and care for you.
You’re the most beautiful and darling being I’ve ever met. Every time I see you I fall in love all over again. Tonight I will kiss your pink lips with or without your permission “My apologies though, but I just can’t help it, you’re too charming and gorgeous.
Your darling friend
Antonio

After reading the letter I felt like fainting, I didn’t know I was crying already and that drew the attention of the students.
“Are you alright, Allysa” they all asked but I just ran out of the hall ignoring the numerous questions and eyes staring at me. I ran to the garden to the spot where Antonio first saw me. I sobbed and wept bitterly I never knew someone cares so much about me or even loved me so. I’ve always thought people hated me because I was mean, rude and stubborn but here’s the letter of someone who loved me for whom I am. Later I was told Antonio got hit by a car that same day we last met while trying to turn home, an eye witness said “ The guy was talking a girl who ran away, he tried to turn and leave but got hit by the car” the eye witness said then I realized Antonio just lost his life the moment I left him. He was unaware of the car driving with high speed towards him. If he had known he wouldn’t have seen me and as for the later, I found out he wanted to give it to me after what he did but I ran away in anger.

How I wish I said “I love you”
I so much wished I said “I love you”
These were the words I wished I said “I love you”.

Author: Ruth Lawrence
All Right Researved 2019
Ray Of Thought
Thinking and Making Impact

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